I think I am feeling orange-y

Ever feel like a color? I think I feel orange. I need to pick colors for the rest of my walls. SOON!

Am I violating some blogger code of conduct if I change my blog template every so often? Is there some list of rules I am supposed to follow? Where's my rule book?

I must say, I am feeling rather melancholy and cynical today. On a positive note, though, I think I helped a very good friend gain some perspective on some things she is going through. If my misery can somehow bring another joy - or at least a little less pain - then, in the immortal words of Gabrielle Union, bring it.

Generally when I get this feeling, I start to lose faith in everything. And every time I get something that renews it. Call it new agey, call it religious, call it what you will, but it happens every time. Sometimes it is something big, other times something small. Once when I worked at a grocery store, a man came in to buy a bunch of turkeys around Thanksgiving. I mean a BUNCH of turkeys. I asked him what was going on and he told me he is a construction foreman and he was buying them for his crew. As we talked I found out that the company was not paying for the turkeys. He was. He told me that they have been working their butts off, not getting to see their families very much to get that job done, so he wanted to do something to let them know it was appreciated. He didn't look rich or anything, but he spent a bunch of money on some guys he worked with to make sure they had a good holiday. Faith restored.

Today, something happened that most people wouldn't think twice about. It really made me feel happy, though. I was driving along behind a truck with two dogs in the back. There was also a guy riding a Harley next to us in the next lane. When we stopped at a red light, the Harley guy pulled over close to the truck and played with the dogs for a minute. No big deal, just rubbed their heads and muzzles. He had no idea someone was watching him. He didn't know if the dogs were mean or not. He just wanted to pet a couple dogs. And they were loving it. It was very sweet. Faith restored.

WWWWOOOOOO-HHHHHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

I just got great news from one of my best friends. My ex-wife, in fact. We were married while our husbands were deployed. Not really married, nothing to upset the conservatives. Not that there's anything wrong with that (sorry for the Seinfeld reference). Anyway, we did everything together while they were deployed. B was my wife and E was our chick on the side. We all worked at the same place and we all have kids, so we worked out a schedule for one of us to always be home with the kids while the other 2 were at work. Then when B and I were not working we were doing stuff with the kids, running errands, basically handling everything. We did something every weekend with the kids. We had Thanksgiving a few times that year to use up all the turkeys we got from various places. She taught me to be a little more organized and take care of business. I think I taught her to be a little more laid-back, and relaxed. It worked well. Anyway, when we move here, we broke up the band. B moved to VA, and E stayed in TN. E's in-laws live in the same city as I do now, so I know I will get to see her sometimes, but B doesn't have any family even remotely close to here. Anyway, I just got off the phone with her. They are seriously considering moving here!!!!! Like they are looking for jobs and houses and stuff, and want o move here in August of next year so the kids can start school! I am so excited I don't even know what to do!!! I think this strange feeling is giddiness. Heehee.

Today is a little better than last time. Sometimes it seems like I am good when there is a massive amount of things that need to be done, but other times just making dinner is overwhelming. My mother is visiting right now, and I see how this is draining her. I wonder if people are seeing the same in me. I want to be SuperMom and take care of everything and still have time for myself and my husband. But then I think why do I have to do everything? It has been that way my whole life. It has always fallen on me to be the "good kid". The problem is not that I am suddenly square. I fully embrace my squareness. The wildest things I have done involve tattoos and piercings. Oh, yeah, and kids out of wedlock. Oh, and stealing my prom car in high school (that is a long involved story - and we didn't technically steal it. We just took the keys from our dates and drove the car without asking. No big deal, right?). Anyway, the problem is not my four equal sides. The problem is that even if I wanted to be crazy, it would not be allowed. I am the good one. That is one of my defining features. I am the favorite everything in my family. The favorite child, the favorite grandchild, the favorite niece. I know there are other things to be upset about but believe me, if you haven't been in these shoes, please don't judge. The pressure can be unbelievable. I have the whole family's hopes riding on me. If I don't do it, no one will. Like with the kids. If I can't hack this, there are no other options. Either they are here together, or they are split up into foster homes. I can't not take this on. I really would like this to be easy, but I know that is unreasonable. What the heck is coming in my future that I need all this to prepare me for it?

Oh, by the way...

I can spell. And put together coherent sentences. I am just a bit overwrought right now. So forgive my mistakes, please. Sometimes a few slip throught cracks.

So...I hate my sister. I hate that I am left to clean up her mess. And when, as the designated cleaner, I approach her with an idea that I think is making the best of a bad situation, I am blamed for the mess in the first place. She is in jail right now, and I am raising her 5 kids. In addition to my own. My grandmother lives with us. And I am married. That leaves us with a grand total of 10 people in the house. My grandmother is scheduled to have hip replacement surgery in about 3 weeks, which will make the hole that I am in about 7000 miles deeper. None of the 5 kids want to be with me right now. They want to be with her, or with their dad, in antoher state. When I go visit my stupid sister in jail and broach this topic with her, she tells me she would rather have them in foster care than with their dad. Never mind that she is constantly calling him to help her out. She says he deals drugs and so is unfit. What about the boyfriend she had that she wouldn't stop seeing although there was a restraining order against him and the state came and took her kids away because she wouldn't stop seeing him? What about the boyfriend who used to bust the door down on her house? What about the boyfriend who used to deal drugs out of her house and probably supply them to her? It's okay to have some wildly random dude around the kids doing that stuff, but it is not okay to have their father around them? And why is my husband saying that if she doesn't want them to go, then neither does he? I understand that he doesn't know her like I do. The level of manipulation of which she is capable. If I was a different person, I would call her bluff and let the kids go to foster care. But she knows I will not do that no matter how much I hate her. The only options I have are to keep them, even though it is driving me crazy and sucking the life and happiness out of me and everyone else in my family, including them; or send them to their dad. At what point do I say that enough is enough and have a sense of self-preservation kick in? How do I continue to make life difficult for my own children to attempt to make things better for kids who don't want to be with me, let me know on an almost daily basis, and are so infruriatingly ungrateful I could scream? I realize it isn't fair to my neices and nephews, but it's not fair to my kids either. I realize they are kids and are not responsible for how jacked up their mother is, but it really isn't my fault, or my kids' faults. But we are here paying the price for her mistakes. And I feel like a big, spoiled child throwing a temper tantrum. And I feel like the worst person alive for begrudging my own family. And I feel like a failure because I really don't think I am strong enough for this. And I feel trapped because I know I won't be sending them away. And I feel like a liar when I tell people I am doing fine. But then I feel like maybe I am making too much out of this. Like I should be able to handle this. What is so hard about having more kids in my house? How selfish am I that I want to ship off my own family? I should have called this blog 200 questions, cuz that seems to be all I do here. AAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!! Yeah. I think that says it all.

I am still unsure what I will be doing with this blog. Is it a way to get out the things I can't deal with any other way? Is it a place to indulge my need for sarcastic, semi-funny (at least in my own mind) musings on the crap going on in my life? Am I just trying to be hip and do what all the cool kids are doing? And where on Earth do I think I am going to find the time for something like this? Whatever I end up doing with this, I think the important first step is to remember how the heck to log-on each time without having to reset my password.