How crazy is this?

2006-05-03T19:22:00.000-07:00

I lost track of it while I was typing. I won't be able to sleep for hours now. Creepy.

Side tracked again

2006-05-03T19:20:00.000-07:00

I was gonna write this massively profound post that deals with why husbands are the way they are and why we continue to put up with them and even love them but then I got distracted by this spider crawling on the wall in my house. It was fascinating. I am freaking terrified of them, but I couldn't look away or get up to get a shoe or anything. They have eight legs, man. Freaking creepy.

Soooo...what's up?

2006-04-20T13:46:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so, although I knew I would be the world's worst poster, I tried this whole blog thing again. And I am, indeed, blowing it. I know there are new things going on, but none of it really seems to matter very much. I am transfering to another branch at work sometime in the near future. My husband and I are still disagreeing over stupid things. My kids are still kids. My best grown-up friend/ex-wife is moving out here in the next few months, so I am really excited about that. I am just really feeling blah about most things going on right now. It's like I cycle through phases - either nothing interests or excites me, or everything sends me over the edge. Either I am void of all feeling or I am a ball of rage constantly. It is kind of exhausting. I don't even really have anything exciting to write about but I feel really guilty about not posting in forever. What a big whiny baby I am.

Epiphany - fancy word for "NOW I get it!"

2006-02-08T14:45:00.000-08:00

I figured out why I am so angry at my grandmother for continuing to help my sister. I found out two days ago that even though I told her in no uncertain terms that I do not want C calling my house, she has continued to do so to talk to my grandmother. I flipped out at my GM. I told her that contniuing to talk to C on my phone is disrespectful to me. GM has a cell phone that C has never had a problem using. GM told me the cell phone died. So instead of not answering the phone, or telling her not to call my house when she called on the house phone, and actually BACKING ME UP FOR ONCE, she talked to her on my phone. She doesn't understand why it upsets me. C does it to show that she has no respect for how I feel. That her feelings and needs are more important than mine. If she ever actually thought it through, that is what she would come up with. She is too self-centered to actually think it through, though, and just does however she feels at any particular time. GM does not seem to understand this. Anyway, I figured out why it gets to me so much. Even though she is constantly talking about how much she hates her and never wants to see her again, she continues helping her. Every time it comes down to it, and a choice must be made - help C and hurt N, or ignore C like she always says she will - she chooses C. She did it when I was a child, and she does it now. Talking to my mother I found out she did it to my mother as well. And her explanation for it? Well, my mother was stronger and didn't need her as much. Also, she would have time to go back and fix the relationship with my mother later. So are we aupposed to be penalized for being strong? For not being victims, we get kicked in the ass? Because I don't run to you and ask you to fix it for me, I don't rate your attention and consideration? Just because I don't break down in front of you and let you inside my pain, does NOT mean it hurts me less. Sometimes, family really sucks.

WTF?!?!

2006-02-02T14:47:00.000-08:00

After growing up in the city, I married a country boy. After being married for a few years, I stopped fighting and went ahead with the deep freezer. Those of you from the South know what I'm talking about. Those of you from everywhere else, it is actually pretty cool. Normally, I am glad I caved. Except today. I go out to get something to cook for dinner and everything is thawed out. I mean EVERYTHING! Apparently the outlet it is hooked up to switched itself off for whatever reason. And I have no idea why. So I can't prevent it from happening again. So, not only do I have random, unexplained happenings where my house just stops working, but now I have a freezer half full of useless trash. And today was trash day, so now I have to wait until Sunday night to throw it all so it doesn't stink up my house before the next trash day. And I have to figure out what to do for dinner. CRAP!!! I guess this is a sign that I should cook dinner more often to avoid having my deep freezer stop working without me noticing until everything is thawed.

When did I turn into this woman?

2006-01-18T15:17:00.000-08:00

Remember when you were a kid and you heard married women complaining about their insensitive husbands who didn't understand them? And you swore up and down you would never become them? Yeah, well, you will. Trust me. I love my husband dearly, but I swear sometimes I wish I could transplant part of a woman's brain into his head so he wouldn't be so infuriating. It kills me that S will one day be one of them.

Melt with you

2006-01-07T17:07:00.000-08:00

For those of you not exposed to the Disney Channel on a regular basis, allow me to share a bit of news with you. Some teeny-bopper band has remade "Melt With You." You know the one - I'll stop the world and melt with you. My daughter has berated me more than once for changing channels while that little mini-video was playing. What is even worse than this wholesale raping of my childhood pop culture - songs I liked being remade for movies, shows I loved being turned into movies, books I adored being turned into movies (DAMN YOU Will Ferrell for playing The Man in the Yellow Hat!!! I mean honestly, Curious George?!?!? Is nothing sacred?) - is that some of them aren't that bad. I mean some things are abhorrent (see above rant regarding Curious George), but some things, like the remade Melt With You, aren't that bad. I catch myself singing along with my daughter. And I kinda like it. What is happening to me? Am I becoming a soccer mom with no recollection of my wild and crazy, anti-mainstream youth? Or is the remake actually good? I am so confused. Except about Curious George. Everyone involved in said project shall rot in horrid hells made especially for them. Will Ferrell as The Man in the Yellow Hat. As if he could EVER set up a joke for someone else to take.

Blah, blah, blah

2006-01-03T12:05:00.000-08:00

As if dealing with my sister's mess for the past few months was not enough, now I have to deal with stupid R, my son's father. My son is gonna miss the first day back at school because his father bought him the wrong kind of ticket to come back. I am not okay with him flying by himself anyway, so I am not happy in the first place. Then, he bought a ticket that was not non-stop. If you read the fine print on the ticket, unaccompanied minors can not fly unless it is non-stop. Idiot boy R did not find this out until he took my son to get on the actual plane! Then, he claims he couldn't find a non-stop flight that wasn't $800 until Wednesday. The day my son goes back to school. Funny, I went online as soon as I got off the phone with R and found about 3 flights leaving this morning, that were non-stop and cost about $250. I guess I am just better at that kind of thing than him, huh? He also says it is my fauly in the first place, because I didn't want my son to fly out there by himself, so R couldn't buy the ticket when he wanted to. It is the most ridiculous situation, I swear. Anyway, my big question is: what possible lesson do I have to learn from that jackass so he can hurry up and get out of my life?!? I know he will be in my life because of our son, but honestly - can he grow up and become a semi-responsible human being instead of a 12 year old walking penis? I don't think that is too much to ask. Really.

Am I a bad person?

2005-12-28T16:12:00.000-08:00

Am I a bad person for feeling so relieved that my sister's kids have moved back to California? I mean, I know I'm not a bad person, but I feel guilty for feeling like this. I am happier at work, at home, in my car... I just feel better in general. It was a really stressful situation. I feel guilty for sending them, but I know it was the best thing to do. My kids were changing, I was changing, my relationship with my husband was changing. the only thing not changing seemed to be her kids and their attitudes. My mom kept telling me it was really soon, and that it would take time to undo years of her parenting. It was just too hard, though. I feel like a failure. There hasn't been anything that I couldn't do if I set my mind to it. It is part of who I am. I'm the "good" one. I get things done. It may not be quite the way someone else would have done it, but it is done. I just feel like this was too much for me, and it is eating me up. Maybe the message in this was that I can't fix everything. Maybe that was my test. To see if I truly believe there are some things I can't do on my own. I don't know. It feels pretty crappy, though. But I still feel better now than I did a week ago. Jeez, why can't I just be happy? Why do I have to go and mess up a perfectly good feeling with guilt? What a basket case I turned out to be!

90% is a sucky thing

2005-12-10T14:44:00.000-08:00

90% of the things in my life make me unhappy right now. And I don't know how to make myself happy again. Everyone deals with days where they can't shake the bad feelings, but this is the majority of the time now. I catch myself being this demented, Disney villain, evil stepmother kind of person, but even in the midst of shrieking at the kids who have checked out 10 minutes ago, I can't stop it. Part of me feels like a failure because my sister has dealt with 5 kids for years, and I can't seem to hack it for 3 months. But then I start to realize that if I was the mother of these 5 kids their whole lives, they would not be this way. And I would be better equipped to deal with it. Then I catch myself doing mean, petty things, that I know better than. But I see them do mean things to my kids, and I want to do something just as petty to make them see how it feels. I know it is not their fault. I am just so angry and bitter and at the end of my rope, I can't stop myself. It is not always so bad. And I console myself with the fact that nothing I do is worse than what she has been doing for YEARS, but that really doesn't excuse me. There is nothing physical, and I honestly do not believe I am being mentally abusive. I just need a break.

Unable to process

2005-12-09T14:18:00.000-08:00

I am unable to process all the things that are happening right now. My sister has a hearing on Monday that I haven't decided whether I will go to. I happen to have Monday and Tuesday off work. 2 girls are supposed to go back to CA next weekend. I am torn about how I feel. I am going to start fighting with my son's dad soon. My Nana had her hip surgery and is recovering, but that is stressful, too. Man, how much more will come my way? And will I ever stop being a big whiny baby about it all?

I think I am feeling orange-y

2005-11-29T17:25:00.000-08:00

Ever feel like a color? I think I feel orange. I need to pick colors for the rest of my walls. SOON!

Am I violating some blogger code of conduct if I change my blog template every so often? Is there some list of rules I am supposed to follow? Where's my rule book?

2005-11-29T16:57:00.000-08:00

I must say, I am feeling rather melancholy and cynical today. On a positive note, though, I think I helped a very good friend gain some perspective on some things she is going through. If my misery can somehow bring another joy - or at least a little less pain - then, in the immortal words of Gabrielle Union, bring it.

Generally when I get this feeling, I start to lose faith in everything. And every time I get something that renews it. Call it new agey, call it religious, call it what you will, but it happens every time. Sometimes it is something big, other times something small. Once when I worked at a grocery store, a man came in to buy a bunch of turkeys around Thanksgiving. I mean a BUNCH of turkeys. I asked him what was going on and he told me he is a construction foreman and he was buying them for his crew. As we talked I found out that the company was not paying for the turkeys. He was. He told me that they have been working their butts off, not getting to see their families very much to get that job done, so he wanted to do something to let them know it was appreciated. He didn't look rich or anything, but he spent a bunch of money on some guys he worked with to make sure they had a good holiday. Faith restored.

Today, something happened that most people wouldn't think twice about. It really made me feel happy, though. I was driving along behind a truck with two dogs in the back. There was also a guy riding a Harley next to us in the next lane. When we stopped at a red light, the Harley guy pulled over close to the truck and played with the dogs for a minute. No big deal, just rubbed their heads and muzzles. He had no idea someone was watching him. He didn't know if the dogs were mean or not. He just wanted to pet a couple dogs. And they were loving it. It was very sweet. Faith restored.

2005-11-20T07:59:00.000-08:00

WWWWOOOOOO-HHHHHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

I just got great news from one of my best friends. My ex-wife, in fact. We were married while our husbands were deployed. Not really married, nothing to upset the conservatives. Not that there's anything wrong with that (sorry for the Seinfeld reference). Anyway, we did everything together while they were deployed. B was my wife and E was our chick on the side. We all worked at the same place and we all have kids, so we worked out a schedule for one of us to always be home with the kids while the other 2 were at work. Then when B and I were not working we were doing stuff with the kids, running errands, basically handling everything. We did something every weekend with the kids. We had Thanksgiving a few times that year to use up all the turkeys we got from various places. She taught me to be a little more organized and take care of business. I think I taught her to be a little more laid-back, and relaxed. It worked well. Anyway, when we move here, we broke up the band. B moved to VA, and E stayed in TN. E's in-laws live in the same city as I do now, so I know I will get to see her sometimes, but B doesn't have any family even remotely close to here. Anyway, I just got off the phone with her. They are seriously considering moving here!!!!! Like they are looking for jobs and houses and stuff, and want o move here in August of next year so the kids can start school! I am so excited I don't even know what to do!!! I think this strange feeling is giddiness. Heehee.

2005-11-17T15:25:00.000-08:00

Today is a little better than last time. Sometimes it seems like I am good when there is a massive amount of things that need to be done, but other times just making dinner is overwhelming. My mother is visiting right now, and I see how this is draining her. I wonder if people are seeing the same in me. I want to be SuperMom and take care of everything and still have time for myself and my husband. But then I think why do I have to do everything? It has been that way my whole life. It has always fallen on me to be the "good kid". The problem is not that I am suddenly square. I fully embrace my squareness. The wildest things I have done involve tattoos and piercings. Oh, yeah, and kids out of wedlock. Oh, and stealing my prom car in high school (that is a long involved story - and we didn't technically steal it. We just took the keys from our dates and drove the car without asking. No big deal, right?). Anyway, the problem is not my four equal sides. The problem is that even if I wanted to be crazy, it would not be allowed. I am the good one. That is one of my defining features. I am the favorite everything in my family. The favorite child, the favorite grandchild, the favorite niece. I know there are other things to be upset about but believe me, if you haven't been in these shoes, please don't judge. The pressure can be unbelievable. I have the whole family's hopes riding on me. If I don't do it, no one will. Like with the kids. If I can't hack this, there are no other options. Either they are here together, or they are split up into foster homes. I can't not take this on. I really would like this to be easy, but I know that is unreasonable. What the heck is coming in my future that I need all this to prepare me for it?

2005-11-13T14:13:00.000-08:00

Oh, by the way...

I can spell. And put together coherent sentences. I am just a bit overwrought right now. So forgive my mistakes, please. Sometimes a few slip throught cracks.

2005-11-13T13:54:00.000-08:00

So...I hate my sister. I hate that I am left to clean up her mess. And when, as the designated cleaner, I approach her with an idea that I think is making the best of a bad situation, I am blamed for the mess in the first place. She is in jail right now, and I am raising her 5 kids. In addition to my own. My grandmother lives with us. And I am married. That leaves us with a grand total of 10 people in the house. My grandmother is scheduled to have hip replacement surgery in about 3 weeks, which will make the hole that I am in about 7000 miles deeper. None of the 5 kids want to be with me right now. They want to be with her, or with their dad, in antoher state. When I go visit my stupid sister in jail and broach this topic with her, she tells me she would rather have them in foster care than with their dad. Never mind that she is constantly calling him to help her out. She says he deals drugs and so is unfit. What about the boyfriend she had that she wouldn't stop seeing although there was a restraining order against him and the state came and took her kids away because she wouldn't stop seeing him? What about the boyfriend who used to bust the door down on her house? What about the boyfriend who used to deal drugs out of her house and probably supply them to her? It's okay to have some wildly random dude around the kids doing that stuff, but it is not okay to have their father around them? And why is my husband saying that if she doesn't want them to go, then neither does he? I understand that he doesn't know her like I do. The level of manipulation of which she is capable. If I was a different person, I would call her bluff and let the kids go to foster care. But she knows I will not do that no matter how much I hate her. The only options I have are to keep them, even though it is driving me crazy and sucking the life and happiness out of me and everyone else in my family, including them; or send them to their dad. At what point do I say that enough is enough and have a sense of self-preservation kick in? How do I continue to make life difficult for my own children to attempt to make things better for kids who don't want to be with me, let me know on an almost daily basis, and are so infruriatingly ungrateful I could scream? I realize it isn't fair to my neices and nephews, but it's not fair to my kids either. I realize they are kids and are not responsible for how jacked up their mother is, but it really isn't my fault, or my kids' faults. But we are here paying the price for her mistakes. And I feel like a big, spoiled child throwing a temper tantrum. And I feel like the worst person alive for begrudging my own family. And I feel like a failure because I really don't think I am strong enough for this. And I feel trapped because I know I won't be sending them away. And I feel like a liar when I tell people I am doing fine. But then I feel like maybe I am making too much out of this. Like I should be able to handle this. What is so hard about having more kids in my house? How selfish am I that I want to ship off my own family? I should have called this blog 200 questions, cuz that seems to be all I do here. AAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!! Yeah. I think that says it all.

2005-11-04T17:43:00.000-08:00

I am still unsure what I will be doing with this blog. Is it a way to get out the things I can't deal with any other way? Is it a place to indulge my need for sarcastic, semi-funny (at least in my own mind) musings on the crap going on in my life? Am I just trying to be hip and do what all the cool kids are doing? And where on Earth do I think I am going to find the time for something like this? Whatever I end up doing with this, I think the important first step is to remember how the heck to log-on each time without having to reset my password.

2005-10-31T15:54:00.000-08:00

Happy Halloween!!!! Next time you feel overwhelmed by life, might I suggest you try to coordinate 7 children, ranging in age from 6 to 15, for Halloween. And only two of them are yours. And the rest are a relative's who doesn't believe in the same sort of discipline and structure (read as: no discipline at all). When it is cold outside. By yourself.